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You are here: Home / Independent Kids / Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior: What Works and What Backfires

Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior: What Works and What Backfires

By Kerry- This content may contain affiliate links.

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Research has found that rewarding kids with things, or taking them away when kids are bad, can fuel a materialistic outlook on life. 
Rewarding kids for good behavior: When children do something good, parents naturally want to reward them. But often overlooked are the effects certain rewards have on a child's view of self-worth and success.

It happened again – despite constant reminders week after week you discover your oldest has failed to pick up the clothes on her bedroom floor. The consequence?  She can’t use her new scooter for a week.

But things improve when you take all three kids to the grocery store and (miraculously) you get through the check out line without a single whine, complaint, or sibling fight. To reward their good behavior, each kid gets two dollars to buy whatever they want at the toy store next door.

Sound familiar?

All too often parents find themselves in the tempting situation of either taking away prized possessions for bad behavior or rewarding good behavior with a special “gift” or purchase of something their child desires.

The Power of Possessions

But according to a study printed in the Journal of Consumer Research, when parents use material objects to reward kids for good behavior or take them away when they’re bad, those kids grow up to be adults who associate owning things with self-worth and success.

As the authors’ state: “Material rewards received in childhood appear to lead people to place emphasis on possessions as a means to develop and transform self-identity, possibly encouraging them to place more importance on goods in general and become more materialistic than their peers who did not receive as many material rewards.”

For the most part, parents know that lavishing our kids with whatever they desire leads to spoiled kids who grow up to be materialistic adults. But who knew that punishments and rewards focused on “things” could also fuel a materialistic outlook on life?

Rewarding kids for good behavior: When children do something good, parents naturally want to reward them. But often overlooked are the effects certain rewards have on a child's view of self-worth and success.

Punishing with Possessions

But what about when the seven-year-old and five-year-old get into a fight over who gets to play with the train set they got for Christmas? Doesn’t it just make sense to simply take it away?

According to the study: “Taking a favorite toy from a child who bullies a sibling or removing a game box as a consequence for poor grades are examples of material punishment.” the study states. “Repeated instances of this sort of discipline may lead to an escalation of the importance the child places on possessions, in general, a defining characteristic of materialism.”

And if you think materialism means simply wanting nice things, the study points out that other studies show materialistic adults are more likely to be compulsive purchasers, gamble, have more debt, have more financial problems and lower marital satisfaction.

Yikes.

So what works?

One of the easiest ways to get a kids’ attention is to take something away as a punishment and rewarding good behavior through gifts certainly makes an impression on kids.

In a New York Times article about the study, one of the authors,  Marsha Richins, suggests this alternative: “I think it’s probably time, attention, and communication,” Ms. Richins said. “Providing encouragement, comfort and having fun. Spending time is the best present you can give them.”

Another suggestion is to take away privileges rather than things when it comes to discipline – like an outing with friends, going to see a new movie or just being grounded. This can be tricky though since some privileges are also tied to things – such as cars.

So the next time your daughter fails to clean her room or your kids surprise you with their good behavior – think of alternatives. Could you cancel a playdate with your daughter’s friend as a consequence of a dirty room? And maybe your kids would appreciate playing a round of Monopoly even more than purchasing more toys as a reward.

In any case, it’s not always easy to think of the perfect consequence in the heat of the moment – and we’re bound to make mistakes – but understanding the impact material parenting can have on our kids can better guide (most) of our decisions.

Related:

Why Every Kid Should Talk Back to Their Parents

How to Raise Responsible Kids – Not Just Obedient Ones

I like this post! (2)

Filed Under: Capable Kids, Independent Kids

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Anastasia
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Anastasia
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So there’s a small pin it button above the “share the knowledge section”. When you click it, there isn’t an image to pin, so it can’t be pinned.

Otherwise, lovely article. Sending to a few friends 🙂

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2 years ago
Kerry
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Kerry
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Thanks Anastasia – I’ll have to check that out! I just changed my theme so that might be the culprit. And thanks for sharing!

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2 years ago
Kate
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Kate
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Great post! As a sped teacher I helped my kids reach goals using a series of reinforcers. The goal was always to help them move from material rewards to high 5’s, computer time, extra recess, etc.

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2 years ago
Just Plain Marie
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Just Plain Marie
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While I do agree – I don’t like bribing children for good behavior or taking away possessions for bad (you didn’t clean your room, so you lose your scooter) – I don’t think that the example about fighting over the train set was a really good one. What I mean is, if my two youngest boys are fighting over a toy, the toy is removed. My younger children don’t really have any toys that belong to just one child, so sharing is the norm. People who can’t share and use toys/books/etc respectfully and nicely do not have the privilege of… Read more »
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2 years ago
Patrice M Foster
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Patrice M Foster
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Kids need to learn early about finance before becoming a teenage. If not then they may become materialistic and expect Parents should always pay. This becomes worst in college which can continue during adulthood.

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2 years ago
Kerry
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Kerry
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Sounds like you write from experience! Couldn’t agree more!

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2 years ago
Lisa Orchard
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Lisa Orchard
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Great post! I’m stopping over from the Sits Girls! You raise a good point and I’m going remember this the next time I reward my kids! Thanks for sharing!

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2 years ago
Kerry
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Kerry
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Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

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2 years ago
Heather
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Heather
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This is useful, thanks!

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2 years ago
Kerry
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Kerry
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You’re welcome!

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2 years ago
Kathleen
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Kathleen
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I find this post very useful, it is something I had not considered before. I like the aspect that Marie adds which I think compliments what you were getting across.
Nothing is back and white, this is a reminder to consider and think how our actions are being interpreted and this post is a help to those considerations.
Kathleen

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2 years ago
Emma
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Emma
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I hadn’t looked at it this way! Still, when a toy doesn’t get put away, that toy still gets taken away. For other things I definitely agree with the time vs. material rewards theory.

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2 years ago
Forever Joyful
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Forever Joyful
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Taking away electronics privileges works especially well for my oldest son and I like some of the alternative suggestions in your post. Thanks!. I do reward with “materialistic” rewards. I give my children marbles for doing chores, having good attitudes, doing well in school, etc. At the end of the week, they can cash in each marble for the amount of cents of their age in years ($0.08/marble for my eight-year-old, $0.06 for my six-year-old). This is the only “allowance” my kids get so I’m not quite ready to ditch it.

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2 years ago
Mother of 3
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I try to always use logical consequences when disciplining my kids… but sometimes that means taking away material items; if they can’t remember to pick their Kindle up off the floor so no one steps on it I am going to take it away after repeated reminders to take care of it.

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2 years ago
Jess @ Room Service Required
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Jess @ Room Service Required
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I second the use of electronic privileges. It works very well in our house as a motivator for both kids.

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2 years ago
Kathleen
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Kathleen
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Such useful advice – thanks! My kids are still young but we’re already starting to think about this issue.

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2 years ago

About Me

Trying to raise independent, self-sufficient kids isn’t always easy! We want to be supportive parents, but not take over their lives. Where’s the balance? I’m still trying to figure it out myself. Read more about why I started Self-Sufficient Kids here.

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