It happened again – despite constant reminders week after week you discover your oldest has failed to pick up the clothes on her bedroom floor. The consequence? She can’t use her new scooter for a week.
But things improve when you take all three kids to the grocery store and (miraculously) you get through the check out line without a single whine, complaint, or sibling fight. To reward their good behavior, each kid gets two dollars to buy whatever they want at the toy store next door.
All too often parents find themselves in the tempting situation of either taking away prized possessions for bad behavior or rewarding good behavior with a special “gift” or purchase of something their child desires.
The Power of Possessions
But according to a study printed in the Journal of Consumer Research, when parents use material objects to reward kids for good behavior or take them away when they’re bad, those kids grow up to be adults who associate owning things with self-worth and success.
As the authors’ state: “Material rewards received in childhood appear to lead people to place emphasis on possessions as a means to develop and transform self-identity, possibly encouraging them to place more importance on goods in general and become more materialistic than their peers who did not receive as many material rewards.”
For the most part, parents know that lavishing our kids with whatever they desire leads to spoiled kids who grow up to be materialistic adults. But who knew that punishments and rewards focused on “things” could also fuel a materialistic outlook on life?
Punishing with Possessions
But what about when the seven-year-old and five-year-old get into a fight over who gets to play with the train set they got for Christmas? Doesn’t it just make sense to simply take it away?
According to the study: “Taking a favorite toy from a child who bullies a sibling or removing a game box as a consequence for poor grades are examples of material punishment.” the study states. “Repeated instances of this sort of discipline may lead to an escalation of the importance the child places on possessions, in general, a defining characteristic of materialism.”
And if you think materialism means simply wanting nice things, the study points out that other studies show materialistic adults are more likely to be compulsive purchasers, gamble, have more debt, have more financial problems and lower marital satisfaction.
So what works?
One of the easiest ways to get a kids’ attention is to take something away as a punishment and rewarding good behavior through gifts certainly makes an impression on kids.
In a New York Times article about the study, one of the authors, Marsha Richins, suggests this alternative: “I think it’s probably time, attention, and communication,” Ms. Richins said. “Providing encouragement, comfort and having fun. Spending time is the best present you can give them.”
Another suggestion is to take away privileges rather than things when it comes to discipline – like an outing with friends, going to see a new movie or just being grounded. This can be tricky though since some privileges are also tied to things – such as cars.
So the next time your daughter fails to clean her room or your kids surprise you with their good behavior – think of alternatives. Could you cancel a playdate with your daughter’s friend as a consequence of a dirty room? And maybe your kids would appreciate playing a round of Monopoly even more than purchasing more toys as a reward.
In any case, it’s not always easy to think of the perfect consequence in the heat of the moment – and we’re bound to make mistakes – but understanding the impact material parenting can have on our kids can better guide (most) of our decisions.