59 Funny Parenting Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Find release from the daily stresses of parenthood with these funny quotes.

Parenting is no joke. But it’s also one of the most exhausting, tiring and frustrating things you’ll ever do.

First, there’s the constant sleep deprivation when you have a newborn, then you’re suddenly thrown into toddler mode of high emotions, and finally we’re confronted with a teenager who’s trying to claim their independence.

Parenting is no doubt also one of the most rewarding experiences of our lives as we get to see these tiny humans grow into adults.

But when we’re experiencing the day-to-day struggles and stresses of parenthood, we could all use a little comic relief. The following quotes should help.

Funny Parenting Quotes That Will Keep You Laughing

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?” -Alyson Hannigan

“If evolution works, how come mothers only have two hands?” -Milton Berle

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” -William Galvin

“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” -Paul Reiser

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” – Ed Asner

“Great parenting lies somewhere between ‘don’t do that’ and ‘ah, what the hell.’” – unknown

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.” -Ryan Reynolds

“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” -Julia Roberts

“I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.” —Unknown

“Dads immediately fall in love with their little girls and will let them get away with everything. So moms are going to have to be the disciplinarians when it comes to daughters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.” ― Jodi Picoult 

“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.” – Maurice Johnston

“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” -Carrie Underwood

“One day I’ll be thankful that my kid is strong willed but that will not be today, not in this grocery store.” – unknown

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” – Franklin P Adams

“Parenting was much easier when I was raising my non-existent kid hypothetically.” – unknown

“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” – Unknown

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.” – Erica Bombeck

“Having a child is like getting a tattoo … on your face. You better be committed.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” Jimmy Fallon

“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” — Ryan Reynolds 

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron

“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.” — A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting’

“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.” — Peter Krause

“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” – unknown

“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” – Marshall McLuhan

“’So I stepped away for like two seconds…’ the beginning of a parenting horror story.” – unknown

“Ever had a job where you had no experience, no training, you weren’t allowed to quit and people’s lives were at stake? That’s parenting.” – unknown

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

“Someone asked my son what his father does for a living. He said, ‘He plays basketball and changes his shorts.”– Taye Diggs

“I really love my kids for about six minutes a day.” – Michael Ian Black

“My kids will walk right past their father sitting on the couch and come bang on the shower for me to open a fruit snack pouch.” – unknown

“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”  – Percy French

“90% of parenting is thinking about when you can lie down again.” – unknown

“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” – Leo Burke

“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”- Jim Gaffigan

“Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of.” – Bruce Lansky

“Sometimes being a good parent means hiding in the pantry and eating all of the fudgsicles over the course of a day so the kids don’t have to.” – Kelly Oxford

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller

“As a parent, there’s a lot more yelling at people from the bathroom than I would have imagined.” – The Mom Truthbomb

“Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.” – Peter Ustinov

“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford

“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.” – Doug Larson

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.” — Reese Witherspoon

“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”— Amber Dusick

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” — James Baldwin

“Every time I say, ‘no’ my kid hears: ’ask again, she didn’t understand the question.’” – Housewife Plus

“I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.” – Mommy Owl

“Based on the amount of laundry, I’m going to assume there are people living here that I’ve never seen.” – unknown

See related:

48 Inspiring Positive Parenting Quotes on Raising Kids and Being a Better Parent

41 of the Best Growth Mindset Quotes for Parents and Kids

70 of the Most Popular Quotes for Parents That Sum Up What Parenting is Really Like